My third wife is leaving me because Im an arsonist.

Oh well, thats another relationship up in smoke.

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

three!

one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.

Why did the meta-joke cross the road?

To get to the punchline.

If a black box on a plane is indestructible, why don't they make the whole
plane out of it?

I saw a High Priest today. "Alright Father,"

I said, "Been on the Waccy Baccy again?"

I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today.

I said, "you can have this slipper if you get out of my house."

How do i stop an addiction to cold turkey?

I used to think i was indecisive

But now i'm not sure

I want to set up my own business selling kites.

But I just cant seem to get it off the ground.

I hate living in a hard water area..
Or Iceland as they call it.

I just spent 5 grand on Hi-Fi equipment 

I think I'm a stereo type

My boss fired me for being "incompetent".

How could I be something I dont even know what it is?