I was talking to my friend when I told him, "When I was born I was left on the doorstep of a little cottage with a note attached to me."

"What did the note say?" He asked.

"I dont know." I replied, "I was too young to read."

So this SEO expert walks into a bar, grill, pub, public house, Irish bar, bartender, drinks, beer, wine, liquor.

How many Microsoft windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

three!

one to change it, one to ask you if your sure you want to change it, and one to ask you if your sure your sure you want to change it.

My third wife is leaving me because Im an arsonist.

Oh well, thats another relationship up in smoke.

How do i stop an addiction to cold turkey?

I just spent 5 grand on Hi-Fi equipment 

I think I'm a stereo type

I got rid of a huge fly with my slipper today.

I said, "you can have this slipper if you get out of my house."

Why did the meta-joke cross the road?

To get to the punchline.

I want to set up my own business selling kites.

But I just cant seem to get it off the ground.

I saw a High Priest today. "Alright Father,"

I said, "Been on the Waccy Baccy again?"

I used to think i was indecisive

But now i'm not sure

I hate living in a hard water area..
Or Iceland as they call it.

My boss fired me for being "incompetent".

How could I be something I dont even know what it is?