I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
show up naked,
bring beer.

How do you find a needle in a haystack?

Sell it and wait for a complaint.

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."

Did you know.

Before the crowbar was invented, crows used to drink at home.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down

Why did the corn farmer get a headache?

My grain!

My cat keeps beating me at Pac Man.
To be fair, he did start with 9 lives.

My girlfriend said I was overly sensitive.

I nearly cried.

My girlfriend says I only think about myself.

Do you know how much that hurts me?

What soup weighs 2,000 pounds?
Wonton Soup

There is still hope for for Hillary Clinton.

Nelson Mandela became President after 27 years in prison.

Why are maths books so sad?

Because they have so many problems

BBC News: Man loses arm while on holiday in Greece.
A Bit careless of him.

I went to London and got myself a turtleneck the other day.
And a life-time ban from Sea Life.

Wanna hear a joke about traffic?

Nevermind, it's to slow

What did the ocean say to the other ocean?

Nothing, they just waved.