What do you call a fish with three eyes?
Fiiish

Bloke in the pub sold me a pirate GPS.

It tells you exactly where you arr.

I didn't want to be a Jedi like my father.

But he forced me into it.

What do you call a guy that crushes cans for a living?

I'm not sure either but it's so dapressing.

I can't think of anything that resembles Straw, but hey.

Listen to me carefully, I will say this only once.
This.

It's my fault that I have self blame issues.

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

How do you learn to become a railroad conductor?

Training.

What time do cows go to sleep?

When it's pasture bedtime.

There is no "i" in "illiterate".

Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

Because the "P" is silent!

What's the smallest drink you can order at a bar?

A mar tiny

2016 : trump wont win

2017: president trump can't do that, can he?

2018: you watching the hunger games tonight? I hope my district wins

My boyfriend says that I never solve my own problems.

How do I prove him wrong?