A cop came to my door this morning telling me my dog had been chasing a man on a bike 

"Thats ridiculous, my dog doesn't even own a bike"

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

He neverlands

what kind of birds stick together?

Vel-crows

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 
None. It's a hardware problem.

What do you get when facebook goes down?

A Social Life

You never realise what you've got till it's gone.
Toilet paper being a good example.

What shoes do ninjas wear?

Sneakers!

Whats round and sounds like a trumpet?

a crumpet

I hate people who repeat themselves.

Those who say the same thing twice annoy me too.

At first I hated my new hair cut.
But it's growing on me now

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Because he doesnt want to be spotted!

Do I know the molecular formula of nitrogen monoxide?

NO

My name is Miles, but people call me Kilometres for short.

My wife's constantly making sarcastic comments about my receding hairline.

It's starting to wear a little thin.

What's brown and sticky?

A stick

Be honest, There is no fear on this earth like waiting for your internet history to clear quickly while someone urgently needs to use your laptop.