I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

I think I Schwepped her off her feet.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

But I’m not buying it.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type. 
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

I saw an ad for burial spots and thought to myself, this is the last thing i need

My grandpa was in the army and he was attacked with both pepper spray and mustard gas. 

Now he's a seasoned veteran

eBay is so useless. 

I tried to look up lighters and it gave me 13,749 matches.

I just shit my pants.
Can i get in yours?

Interviewer: I see on your application that you never went to jail?
Me: That's correct, i was taken.

Why wouldn’t the shrimp share his treasure? 
Because he was a little shellfish.

What did one hat say to the other? 
You stay here. I’ll go on ahead.

If you were a library book, I would check you out.