Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

The hand is quicker than the eye.
Unfortunately, the CCTV camera at my nearest primary school's gates is
quicker than both.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.

What state has the smallest drinks?

Mini-soda.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? 

To get to the other side.

I know you’re busy today but can you add me to your to-do list?

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex.

But he kept dropping the BASS.