Everyone who hates speeding tickets, raise your right foot.

I used to go fishing with Skrillex.

But he kept dropping the BASS.

Why should you never use a dull pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

An investigator.

Why'd the chicken cross the road? 

To get to the other side.

What is the Terminator's favorite Italian food?

Pasta la vista, baby.

My dad always told me not to stab people in the back.
I agree completely.
It's much easier to reach their vital organs from the front.

Why do bees have sticky hair?

They use honeycombs.

I've just started a business which is a rat and mouse washing service. It's
going great...
All our customers are squeaky clean.

I recently took up meditation.
It beats sitting around doing nothing.

I know you’re busy today but can you add me to your to-do list?