TRUMP: let's get that Muslim band going 

"Band? We thought you said ban"

TRUMP: No way, that's harsh. also, how's that Mexican mall coming?

What does a zombie vegetarian eat?

“Graaaaaaaains!”

I used to have a fear of hurdles, but I got over it.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything.

What do you call someone elses cheese?

Natcho Cheese!

I'm useless when it comes to talking to women, I get nervous and say the
wrong things.
For example, I'll start off by saying, "Hi, I'm Kevin."
Which is weird because my name's Dave.

Why couldn't the paraplegic become a comedian?

He couldn't stand up.

Are u a sea lion?

Because I want to sea u lion in my bed later!

How do you find a needle in a haystack?

Sell it and wait for a complaint.

HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN:
compliment her,
cuddle her,
kiss her,
caress her,
love her,
stroke her,
tease her,
comfort her,
protect her,
hug her,
hold her,
spend money on her,
wine & dine her,
buy things for her,
listen to her,
care for her,
stand by her,
support her,
go to the ends of the earth for her....

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN:
show up naked,
bring beer.

Are you Harambes enclosure?

Cause i’ll drop a kid inside of you!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence.

"My father grows beans," said one girl.

"My mother cooks beans," said a boy.

A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans."